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Fresh Start: How to Recognize Social Anxiety and Help Your Child Before the School Year Begins

When she sits in class, she prays that the teacher won’t call on her. She knows the answers – she does all her homework on time and gets A’s on the tests. But if she’s called on, her heart beats faster and she blushes so furiously that her glasses fog over, creating further embarrassment. She would never ask a teacher for help, but because she is a good student, it hasn’t mattered much except in math. She has dropped back a class in math in spite of very high scores on standardized achievement tests. It has been a relief – she can now ace the classroom tests with little preparation, and never needs to ask questions in front of the other students. As her anxiety progresses, she may begin to find ways to avoid school and her grades may begin to decline.

For now, her parents know little of her dilemmas. They know she is quiet at school, but at home she is talkative and interacts a great deal with her younger siblings, even in noisy disputes or play at times. She seems normal and outgoing with other girls when they pick her up from the girls’ summer camp she attends.

Recognizing whether your teenager is just a little shy, or is socially anxious in ways that affect his or her life negatively through decreasing social interaction, falling grades, lower achievement, or unhappiness, is the first step in helping a teen with social anxiety. If teachers last year described your child as shy, there may not be an issue – but if they used descriptors such as “painfully” shy or “extremely” quiet, you should sit down with your teenager and ask them how they feel about starting the new school year. Then listen carefully to his or her responses. If your teenager mentions feeling anxious or unhappy, draw your teenager into a longer conversation about which situations at school produce those feelings.

If you think your teenager may have any degree of social anxiety, ask what would help, and listen carefully, because socially anxious teens may not want to talk about it! In addition to implementing any of his or her ideas that you can, you can suggest several of the following:

Buying new clothes of his or her choice; getting a new haircut or style, since a socially anxious teen may feel overly self-conscious about clothes or hair.

Meeting or talking with teachers one-on-one in an informal setting before school starts.

Checking class rosters to see if friends will be in his or her classes.

Writing a list of positive traits that your teen likes about him or her self, and copying it daily, or taping it to the mirror.

Practicing relaxation exercises; getting a massage.

Adopting stress management techniques.

Walk, jog, or run daily.

Reaching out to people that your teen does feel comfortable around, and spending extra time with them.

Eating out with friends or relatives in public settings.

Showing an interest in others and giving compliments.

Practicing asking a retail clerk for help, or asking a stranger for directions.

Making sure to allow more time for fun and relaxation.

Let teachers know in advance that your teenager feels some social anxiety, and
ask for the following adaptations:

Request that the teacher allow your child to sit near friends or acquaintances.

Ask the teacher not to single your child out when looking for responses.

When the teacher assigns groups, put a socially anxious boy with other boys, or a girl with girls.

Consider testing in many alternate ways.

As parents, remember that socially anxious teens take criticisms too much to heart; try to be more positive and if you would like to praise your teen, write him or her notes that he or she can keep and enjoy in private. Socially anxious teenagers need lots of affection, too. Give your teen plenty of hugs, even if it feels awkward at first.

RESOURCES:
Markway, B.G. and G.P. Markway. 2005. Nurturing the Shy Child: Practical Help for Raising Confident and Socially Skilled Kids and Teens. New York, NY: St. Martin’s Press.

Stein, M.B. and John R. Walker. 2002. Triumph Over Shyness: conquering shyness and social anxiety. New York, NY: McGraw-Hill.

Excellent websites for teens to visit include:
www.teenadviceonline.org/articles/shyteen.html
www.shykids.com
www.kidshealth.org/teen/your_mind/mental_health/anxiety.html

For parents and teachers:
www.veryshy.org/anxiety_child.htm
www.massgeneral.org/schoolpsychiatry/intervention_social.asp
www.indiana.edu/~rcapub/v25n2/carducci.shtml

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